Diary of a Moody Witch
by HazaP
Summary: I am being forced to see a bloody I-talk-slowly-because-clearly-anger-issues-equals-retardation counsellor who is making me write a diary, all because of that git, Malfoy. So this is my, Rose Weasley's attempt to write a diary - read at your own peril.
1. Chapter 1

2nd December 2022

This is so fucking stupid.

I'm no Anne bloody Frank, I have nothing interesting in my life to report, so why on earth are my deranged parents forcing me to write a diary.

Actually while on the subject of being mistreated grotesquely by my sadistic parents let me also enquire as to why they thought I was in need of counseling?

I understand that I have quite a temper and am constantly bitter and sexual frustrated (what 16 year old is still a virgin? Yeah just me, welcome to my pity party, help yourself to sorrow and misery and we have none other than defensive, desperate bitch for your entertainment).

Slight tangent there, let's move back to the circumference of my shitty life, oh yeah so I get angry, big deal, doesn't mean that I need to be labeled a freak and see a sodding counsellor, it just means that I'm a Weasley through and through.

We are infamous for being hot headed, my hair is flaming red for goodness sake! So why fight fate?

I guess I blew my last chance.

I'll relive it for the purposes of my future self or any git who thinks it's acceptable to read someone's diary to understand how I got myself into this predicament not because I'm enjoying writing a diary, because I'm not, I'd rather drink puppy blood while bathing in acid and having a civil conversation with Malfoy.

So here goes: Monday mornings are difficult enough without having muggle studies and sharing a desk with Malfoy first thing. After the Great War Headmistress McGonagall made attending muggle studies once a week obligatory so that there wouldn't be such a prejudice towards muggles or muggle born.

Also in an effort to improve house relations she has encouraged professors to seat students among other houses.

I did try to suggest to her that all we need to do was publically hang the Malfoys to make an example of how ignorance and down right arseholeness will not be tolerated however I was just met with a cold silence and disturbed look.

That's why I am stuck in muggle studies, next to Malfoy, on a Monday morning. If I have the devils child, I'll name it something beginning with 'M' because that is clearly popular with all things evil.

To make muggle studies more authentic, we sit in a typical muggle classroom. A small unimpressive room with wonky desks, squeaky chairs and awful posters made by the first years on the wall.

We also have a muggle teacher, who I must remark is quite dashing. No older than 25, with dark brown hair and warm, comfortable chocolate eyes. He is quite lanky with thin arms and legs, but is very fashionable; he is what my muggle friends call 'indie' as he wore vintage shirts, skinny jeans and big glasses. He had the geek-sheek look down. He could do me like a mathematical equation any day, I'm sure he could find X up my..(there is my crass mind again, damn hormones).

Moving on swiftly, as I entered along with Iver (my bud - a muggle word we picked up because we thought 'best friend' is just not right to label our relationship). I saw Malfoy sprawled across our table, smiling smugly at me.

"What? Shagged another hippogriff and are bursting to tell me every disgusting detail? Well save your breath Malfoy, it's not something to brag about." I spat while pushing all his junk to his part of the desk.

All eyes were on us eager to witness another infamous Weasley-Malfoy spit.

"At least I get some, enlighten us, when was the last time a guy even touched you?"

"Malfoy, I don't get these bags under my eyes for nothing, I was up all last night making passionate, hot, steamy love to your father. Damn those death eaters really know how to eat, if you understand what I'm referring to". I saw his eyes darken, I was accustomed to make DE (death eater) jokes to piss of my parents as it was a life time ago that I forgot how much it affected him.

"What did you call my father?" He challenged me.

"Err.. A sex-god?" I looked at him puzzlingly. I had gone this far; I might as well win this one "oh were you referring to me calling him a death eater? Because he was one and a sexy one too".

Hearing it again seemed to tick something off in him, his demeanor turned aggressive and he got up violently, overturning the pathetic little muggle table and his chair, he whipped out his wand and jinxed me before I could react.

Immediately all my auburn waist length hair started falling to the floor and soon there was a mountain of red near my feet. I slowly and apprehensively reached for my head and as soon as my hand touched my smooth baldhead I shrieked and shouted profanities at him.

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM MALFOY? IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE." I looked around the class and everyone was suppressing giggles, even Iver cracked a smile (see not exactly best friend material).

I had to respond, and it had to be good. I pointed my wand to light bulbs on the ceiling and muttered a spell vehemently then flicked my wand to point at Malfoy. The light bulbs suddenly came to life and targeted Malfoy, flying at him with high speed. Needless to say once he got over the original shock he was able to dodge every bulb. Damn his Quiddich skills.

"Merlin, what's wrong with you? Why are you shooting muggle light bulbs at me?" he inquired while still dodging.

"Because you need to lighten the fuck up!" angry was seeping out of every pore in my body, yet when I heard the rest of the class laugh at my response, I allowed myself a victory smile, revenge is sweet but laughing at Malfoy's expense is euphoric.

Mental note: Humiliate Malfoy in front of people more.

I realize in hindsight that I should have stopped while I was ahead and regained composure before Professor Sexy came in, yet in the heat of the moment I couldn't stop.

"It was a sodding joke so take it-" I targeted the last remaining light bulb a little to the left judging his reaction "-lightly" I finished as the light bulb went soaring through the air. Just as I suspected Malfoy turned a little left to dodge it and the light bulb hit him square on the forehead.

The glass shattered and many pieces lodged themselves in his skin and blood flowed freely down. As I was in close proxemics some pieces hit me too, I felt slight sharp pains when they landed and I too was bleeding.

The rest was a blur. Malfoy's face, full of pain, anger and hatred is still imprinted in my head. I know that I took it too far but I am way to proud to admit that to my parents and apologising to Malfoy is so absurd that I actually laughed for a good 5 minutes at the suggestion till I realized that my mum wasn't joking then I ran faster than a bloody snitch before she could make me.

So my parents have decided that enough was enough, I need professional help. Bullshit.

Shit, I'm late for my rounds with Lysander Scamander. I swear to God if that boy tries to ward of Nargles by spraying radish water on me again I will go Voldemort on his arse.

Oh the joys of being a prefect.

**A/N: The song for this Chapter is **_**Cherry Bomb by the Runaways**_**. I like to think of Rose as a young Cherie Currie: being sexy, wild and presumptuous. The song just perfectly captures how I want her to be depicted.**

**So this is my first ever chapter of my first ever fan fiction story. Constructive criticism would be brilliant or just let me know what you think of the story. I hate those guys who beg for reviews, its like honestly have some pride. I mean reviews would be appreciated but if you don't want to thats cool too... I'm sorry, I'm showing off that I am fluent bullshit. PLEASE REVIEW :) **


	2. Chapter 2

3rd December 2022.

I tried sleeping on my side.

I tried sleeping on my back.

I tried sleeping on my front.

I tried sleeping in a fetal position.

I tried sleeping in a plank.

I tried the whole fucking sleeping sutra but nothing. So out of no choice I decided to write some more, if this doesn't make me fall asleep then I might just have to resort to having a fricking conversation with Dom. I shiver at the thought.

I guess I should properly introduce myself, to myself? I don't really understand this diary business. But I promised Al that I would do it right.

So a history of my life so far seems a good place to start.

Being the oldest child to 2/3 of the golden trio is a bloody trek, in the Sahara desert, with no camel or water and only Malfoy for company.

Not only had they defeated the nose-less creep at the mere age of seventeen but established themselves honorable jobs straight out of Hogwarts.

When I say 'honorable' I mean damn right outrageous.

Fresh of the battle scene everyone wanted a piece of those who with dignity called themselves the 'Dumbledore's Army'.

Hence mum, dad, uncle Harry, uncle Neville and aunt Luna went back for their last year at Hogwarts as National Heroes.

As icons.

So aptly at the sheer age of eighteen dad was invited to join the England Quiddich Team as a Keeper.

Seeing as the England team only played in the summer when the World Cup was held every two years and friendly matches now and then dad had enough free time to help Uncle George at the Weasley's Wizards Wheezes, which not only put Zonko's out of business but is the sacred shop for every Hogwarts student.

Whereas mum went down a slightly more intellectual route.

The Ministry of Magic was completely rebooted under the hands of a man that everybody trusted: Arthur Weasley.

Convinced by mum he created a new section of the ministry of magic: Wizarding Arithmancy Research Team or WART.

Gotta love a good acronym.

Obviously he made mum the Head Researcher.

So basically she is bossing around people twenty years senior while carrying on with a subject she loves.

Jealous? Me? Never.

Therefore having such high achieving parents kinda raised the bar for us: the next generation.

In other simpler words – we are royally screwed.

Pretty much as soon as I was born a million expectations were bestowed on me.

Be as clever and pretty as mum.

Be as funny and loving as dad.

Be as brave as both of them.

Be as warm as the Weasleys.

Be perfect.

Well I crushed those dreams as soon as I learned my first word: 'damn'.

Dad had said it enough time around me for me to become attached to it. 'Damn hungry', 'damn sleepy' etc. You get the point.

At first I guess it was endearing and funny, although my mum resented my dad for introducing it to me.

Soon enough 'bloody' was added to my not so extensive vocabulary. Followed by 'git' (courtesy of aunt Ginny) then 'shit'.

I think it's safe to that I wasn't the most charming child.

My childhood was stimulating to put it politely.

The Borrow was a fucking circus and seeing as our parents were so bloody busy with being the leaders of the wizarding community and shit that pretty much everyday they dumped us with Grandma Molly.

My God after raising Fred and George that woman knew how not to take crap from us.

I mean having to deal with 13 of the most dysfunctional kids at once cannot be easy. But she did it with her eyes closed.

Hugo is my younger brother and is everything that I am not. He is nice and couldn't be sarcastic for shit.

He got my mother's love for books and my father's love for Wizardry Chess. Watching him and my dad play that game is like watching Al ask out a girl, you keep looking backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards and whatever happens you know everything will end up in rubble.

Hugo and I are too different to actually get along. We don't even look alike. He has got my mums brown hair and chocolate eyes whereas I am stuck with a bloody ginger bush planted on my head and ice blue eyes.

I don't really know if I would classify my self as beautiful, I definitely have some striking features (such as the aforementioned hair and eyes) but compared to the likes of Dom and Iver I don't really shine.

Enough of the low self-esteem crap; lver would define this as 'fishing'. Not as in catching seafood for dinner but as though I am 'fishing for compliments'. Asking her to elaborate she would continue on the say that I'm bloody stunning and to leave it at that.

Yep, she really knows how to murder a conversation.

I am in my sixth year at Hogwarts and I can proudly say that I am in Gryffindor though the bravest thing I have ever done is snatched food off dad's plate to feed our dog, Bruno.

Personally I believe that after the Sorting Hat inhaled the fumes coming out of Malfoy's greasy head it became high and sorted the rest of us randomly.

I mean Albus being in Slytherin is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. That boy couldn't even plot to tie his own shoelaces.

Albus Severus Potter, the aforesaid Sytheonian is my cousin but I see him more as my older, wiser, protective brother.

He is quiet, geeky and witty. Basically a carbon copy of Uncle Haza in both looks and personality.

Honestly the amount of times I have told Haza my secrets and asked Al advice on how to destroy a Horcrux it's a fucking joke.

Although they are so similar watching to two of them have a conversation is like watching animals having sex, its painfully uncomfortable yet hilarious and you know you should look away but you can't, it's like your hypnotized.

Al would be thrilled at the idea of my comparing his conversing skills to animal sex but he won't say anything about it. Oh no, he is the only one in the family that I have never got in a fight with because whenever I try he goes all Gandhi on me.

Furthermore he is the smartest kid in town.

He like my mum of our generation, in fact there is a rumor going round that he is the love child of my mum and Uncle Harry, when we questioned them about it Aunt Ginny showed me the birth marks to prove he is her son.

Innocence lost and scarred for life I have learned never to listen to rumors again or Aunt Ginny might just get her 'stuff' out again.

Then there is James, the first born of the famous boy who lived.

I would love to report that James didn't let that get to his head and he is a modest moral boy but alas since when had anything gone right for Uncle Haza?

James turned out to be even a bigger douche than you'd expect.

At first it was just the name 'Potter' then apparently he became hot (not that I have an opinion on that… because that would be weird not to mention illegal in some countries.)

Soon after he became the 'best Chaser Hogwarts has seen' resulting in him becoming the captain of Gryffindor at a relatively young age.

He earned himself the title of 'party animal' and still manages to ace all his lessons.

Then Minnie thought that his self esteem still needed to be boosted therefore made him Head Boy. Nice one Minnie, and I thought being as old as a fucking fossil was meant to make you wise?

Anyway there was so much potential it's sad really that all the power went to his head.

Waste of talent.

Condolences for Uncle and Aunt Potter, it's a terrible loss, but I guess we all saw it coming.

One day he just snapped. He picked up his wand, pointed it at his face and AKed himself. Poor, poor boy.

No I'm only joking, he loves himself too much for that (plus I don't think you can AK yourself, hmm I'll have to try it, note to self: trick Malfoy into AKing himself purely for research).

No he did something much worse, he pointed his wand at himself and he permanently turned his hair blonde.

It is horrific.

We are still trying to recover. Of all the twatish things he has done, that is probably not the worst but somewhere up there.

Lily, the sweet, innocent and perfect little girl… hates me for reasons unknown. Sure I may have dared her brother to dye his hair blonde but to be fair I didn't actually think that he would do it.

Actually that's a pathetic reason, she doesn't even like James that much - I mean since he decided that she was made of porcelain and that just by looking at a guy she'd contract Chlamydia or get pregnant - she's been awfully distant.

Don't really blame her.

Next there is Dom – the pretty one. Well to be honest seeing as she has Veela genes and is part French you'd expect her to be fricking gorgeous.

She and I share a dorm room and what I mean by that is that I run like the fucking Firebolt whenever I see her and limit our conversations to 'I swear to god if you don't get that Barbie arse out of the toilet now I will scar that Veela face so bad that people will think your part troll'.

I thought Dom was bad but she hasn't got a patch on Victorie. That girl can make anyone unconscious with her words in five seconds flat.

I have no idea what Teddy sees in that heap of gold curls, with a body expelled of any fat and a face of a bloody angel.

That boy is under the Imperius I am sure of it.

Firstly I just want to make it clear that Teddy is the godson of Harry P therefore in no way related to me hence I can freely state that he is a Greek god's cooler, hotter, older brother.

Honestly if I didn't see him as part of the fam he would be covered in Swiss chocolate right now that I would be eagerly licking off.

Steady now, he is my D.A.D.A. teacher which makes the uncomfortable situation of me fancying my almost cousin even worse. Ah well im already a bitch, why not add pervert to the list?

Oh and of course there is Fred who likes to think himself as quite the joker pulling pranks left, right and centre and Roxanne who pretty much just follows him around with a fire extinguisher. He tries pretty hard to live up to his name and Roxanne tries pretty hard to make sure that he doesn't die.

Lastly there is Percy's spawn. In hindsight I just wish Audrey kept her legs shut then I wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions.

Bloody Molly.

Biggest A-hole to grace the fam. Seriously this girl won't know fun even if it did her. And they thought Percy was bad.

And did I mention that she is Head Girl? Hear that sarcastic slow clap? Yeah that's what I think of Minnie's choice.

Ah I can't forget to mention Lucy, her younger sister. No joke I didn't even know Percy had a second child till last week when she decided to sit with me.

It was that awkward "Do I know you?" "Erm yeah I'm your cousin" kind of situation. God I hate it when that happens. I just thought that Perc would have learned from his first mistake. But to be fair Lucy isn't that bad, just insanely quiet and shy-

_Later the same night_

Okay, so that was odd.

As I was writing I heard Iver stir. Naturally I didn't want her to know that I was writing a diary about my feelings like a pathetic teenager so I pretended to be asleep.

Peeping through my duvet I saw her get up from her bed.

Weird thing being that she was already dressed. She was wearing a tight plain black dress, which contrasted with her bright blond hair that was straightened immaculately. Her make up was done like a true artist with smokey eyes and bright red lipstick.

I have had my fair share of exploring the castle in the middle of the dark night but never have I looked like that. No this girl was out to impress which meant only one thing.

She was meeting a boy.

Now Iver and I don't tell each other most things about our lives but boys is something that we always share (just so we have something to talk about so its not awkward).

And as far as she told me she doesn't have a boyfriend or even a crush at the moment. So who the fuck was she meeting? I had to find out.

Obviously I went all Harry Potter on her arse by using the invisibility cloak - that I nicked of James earlier to pull a prank on Malfoy – and followed her.

She went out of the common room, down the stairs and turned left to get to the closest suit of armour.

Searching through her purse her picked out a small shiny object. It looked as though it was a miniature sword. She pointed her wand at what could be a sword for a Cornish Pixie and whispered a spell. The tiny sword grew to its real-life size, which she pushed through the hands of the statue so it looked as though he was holding it.

Suddenly the shield the statue was held grew till it was the size of a door that Iver opened and walked through after she had taken out the sword, which automatically turned back to fairy size.

As she closed the door the shield went back to its normal size and it was as though she disappeared in thin air. How the fuck did she know a passageway that I didn't know? Hell even the James and Al didn't know this and they are related to the bloody Marauders.

I had to find out where the shield led otherwise even taking to Molly won't help me sleep.

I ran to the Slytherin common room. Getting in was tricky seeing as I didn't know the password. They had Hannibal Von Scaryshit (okay I made up the Von Scaryshit seeing as no one ever spent enough time with him to find out his last name I made one up and it spread pretty soon) he was the most terrifying guard Azkaban ever had and he was the painting used to watch the Sytherin common room. Unlike the Fat Lady, Von Scaryshit didn't have a door.

The idea was that you had to be sly enough to get past him without a password. Sly = Slytherin. So it's a good system really. Except to get past Von Scaryshit is near impossible and it's a common sight to see poor first years who forgot the password sleeping outside. Of course after a while you learn his method and it gets pretty easy. For example I know that he will always fall for:

"Look there is a prisoner escaping!" I shout

"Vat? Vhere?" He barks, looking in the direction where I pointed.

"Did you know gullible is written on the ceiling?" I smirk as I walk past him into the common room. I could hear him mumbling something that sounded a lot like 'stupid children' but I didn't care.

I went straight to Al's dorm room and made a beeline for his bed. Well I did after I went to Malfoy's and using my wand stitched 'I bet you can't hit my head with a Knut' on the back of his cloak. Good old fashioned pranking.

As I reached Al I started shaking him violently. Patience is not a virtue, its stupidity, why waste precious time? Al simply grunted so I just turned the shaking up a notch. Oh how he was ecstatic.

"What?"

"Al get up, I just saw the weirdest thing" I didn't mind betraying Iver by telling Al seeing as I told him everything, we were tight like that.

"Oh did you see me peacefully sleeping in the middle of the night? Because yeah you're right that's pretty weird."

"Since when did you get snarky?" Al being rude was unheard of.

He sighed. "I'm sorry I guess I've just been spending too long with you, what's up?" I smiled, that's the Al I know and love. I quickly filled him in on everything that I just witnessed.

"Huh, that is weird. Wait lets check the Marauders' Map." I knew that there was a reason that I came to him with all my problems; he always knew what to fucking do. I handed him his glasses and he looked through his chest of draws and pulled out a place piece of parchment. Of course only the Potter/Weasley clan knew that this was much more that just a normal piece of parchment.

No, it's a do-as-many-pranks-and-not-get-in-trouble piece of parchment.

He opened it and there it was a pair of shoes labeled 'Iver' in the middle of (you won't believe this) the fucking teachers' wing.

Yes Iver got all dolled up to see a teacher in the middle of the night. The most shocking part is that she knew how to get in and had her own bloody key.

I had a fucking almost cousin as a teacher and even I didn't know how to get to the teachers' wing. But it makes so much sense now, of course the suit of armour was used as the passageway: there was one on every corner. So that's how they got everywhere so bloody quickly.

I couldn't stop thinking about what Iver doing in the teachers' wing as I left to come back to my bed.

Was she having an affair with a teacher?

Which teacher?

This is all so goddamn scandalous.

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. I was in New York baby last week. Yes, the first time I ever go to NY and Irene decided to show up to. That bitch. So I basically left the constant shitty weather of London to be caught up in a fucking hurricane. Brilliant. **

**Anyway, I'm not exactly thrilled about this chapter; I apologize for chucking so much information at you. I just wanted you to be on the same wavelength as me. I wrote it in a rush to get it out to you guys therefore its probably contaminated with many typos and grammar mistakes. If you find any point them out. Also I realize that it does not contain any Rose-Scorpius interaction but I want this story to have more levels than their love-hate relationship.**

**The song for this chapter is Little Secrets by Passion Pit**

**Holla at me with reviews.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay I know that I suck as a person. Sorry for the wait.**

5 December 2022

I just got back from Charms honestly the amount of time I have almost tripped over Professor Flitwick it's a serious health and safety issue, I think I'll bring it up next time I'm with Minne.

Absolutely nothing interesting happened today.

Well unless you count breaking James' fingers because he shoved them in my face to smell his most recent conquest over some poor, innocent girl as interesting, which its not.

It's just disturbing.

That boy literally makes me sick. How he is related to Al is beyond me.

I had to leave the common room to get away from him and now I'm stuck in my room with nothing to do.

So I thought I might as well write in here (sure as hell beats making small talk with Lols).

The update on Iver scandal is that I have noticed that these past few days she has been eating like a horse.

Pregnant perhaps?

No, honestly I have nothing to update. I've completely fucking over my body clock by staying awake all night so I can follow her again but not one night has she so much as got up to use the toilet.

I've been racking my brains to think who it could be. Eligible teachers:

Mr Jones (fit muggle studies teacher),

Professor Criket (who is pretty much as ancient as the ancient runes he keeps yapping on about but she might have a thing for older guys, she is French after all),

Professor Longbottom (don't get me wrong Nevs is my favourite godfather but ew),

Prof Flitwick (she might have a fetish for dwarves),

Prof Sulghorn (but she isn't in the Slug Club so I'm sure he wouldn't go for her, he apparently has standards to maintain),

Prof Vector (who hates children so much that he'd rather lick a house elf than have a relationship with Iver)

Lastly Teddy. But she would never cross that line.

God I'm getting nowhere. Anyway seeing as I'm done introducing my family (10 pages and two ink bottle after…) I can move on to my friends.

I hate talking about her but I can't really write about my life without mentioning her.

Olive Wood. My ex-best friend.

My dad and Mr Wood became really good friends seeing as they are both on the England Quiddich team. Hence I grew up with Ol. She was there when Al couldn't be.

Every girl needs a girl best friend to help her through the embarrassing hell called puberty. And she was there for me.

But now she acts as though she doesn't even remember my name. Honestly one day we were gossiping about our love life (or lack thereof) and generally having a laugh and the next she completely froze me out. The audacity of that bitch acting as though she never even met me.

Therefore she will not be mentioned again in this diary. As far as I'm concerned she can go fuck herself or Eugene Anderson as the rumour (that obviously has nothing to do with me) claims.

OK, back to the people that I can talk about without wanting to kill someone:

I share a dorm room with Peggan Potstrout, Lolita Longbottom, Dominique Weasely (as mentioned before) and since of last year Iver DeBelle.

I guess I'm the closest with Iver, she gets me, and I dig that. She has this air of rebelliousness about her that matches perfectly with my need to fuck things up.

Then it's probably Peggan or 'Pregnant Peggie' as she has christened herself. She sees me as a sort of Messiah. Everyone thinks it's cute that she looks up to me. More like a fucking pain in the arse and vomit inducing. But I can't really shake her off so I'm stuck with her.

Next it's Lolita. She's Nevs' daughter and anything related to that hunk of pure awesomeness is good enough for casual conversations from time to time.

Lastly my cousin Dom. Being Veela has made her incredibly stunning and being Victorie's sister has made her a girly girl arsehole. I tend to stay away from the Weasley-Declour family. With good reason, trust me.

The first time I saw Iver she was smoking.

She had just moved from Paris and had come to Hogwarts in fifth year. Seeing as I am such a good ambassador of the school Nevs asked me to take her under my wing.

After a good hour of me shrieking that I am not a 'bird' which I exploited as him coming on to me and him trying to explain that it is a figure of speech we came to the conclusion that I would look after her and he would get a girlfriend (his own age) so he wouldn't feel the need to hit on young, naive, impressionable little girls.

I had to prance about all of Hogwarts trying to find her, which isn't easy when I have to stop every two minutes to verbally abuse an unsuspecting first year, I believe it to be my duty as a prefect (yeah I suspect Minne was on coke when she decided to make one) to toughen them up.

I found my next targets just out in the courtyard.

"Excuse me, what on Harry Potter's scar do you think you are doing?"

Two small girls looked up at me, their eyes wide emitting fear.

The smaller girl with brown haircut in an old-fashioned bob spoke first.

"Y-you're Rose Weasley"

"And you're Captain Obvious, your village called-" A look of confusion clouded her face "Because they are missing an idiot."

One down one more to go.

I turned to the other girl; she was wearing a ghastly bright jacket on top of her uniform. This is getting too easy, its like they are not even trying anymore. "As for you, if we needed another traffic cone we would just ask as for now please wear something that won't give me an epileptic fit."

The two girls lost for words just ran away. To have this power is magnificent - maybe Voldemort wasn't all crazy.

"Nicely done." I turned to face none other than the charming Iver.

Truthfully my first thought was that she is fucking gorgeous. Let me just make it clear that I am not a lesbo but even I can appreciate beauty when its staring me in the face with a huge sign stating 'God's creation at its best'.

She simply looked like a muggle model. She had long glowing white blonde hair that cascaded down to her chest with her roots dyed dark brown and piercing blue eyes, which were emphasized with dark thick eye makeup.

She was wearing skinny jeans and a bomber jacket with an assortment of jewellery covering every inch of her hands, neck and ears. A twinkling caught me eye, which exposed itself to be a nose piercing which complimented her button nose.

I literally felt my coolness level fall drastically. She had a cigarette in her hand and paused to take a puff. "But the 'captain obvious' is a little too old". Obviously at that moment of time I had no idea who she was, though thinking back her thick French accent should have given her away.

"I'm sorry 'Smokey Joe', next time I will be more aware of the people around me and use better comebacks for their amusement but for now as a prefect I'm going to take some house points off for smoking… which house are you in?"

"Err… Grfiend or something." Well at least its good to know that God still believes in beauty and no brains.

"Gryffindor?"

"Yes that's the one, funny little words you English use." She took another puff of her cigarette.

"Great now not only are you killing me by smoking in my face, damaging my brain cells by talking to me but now your making me take 30 points off my own house, which I hate more than stupid foreign girls teaching me how to be a bitch" then it struck me, "Hang on, why haven't I seen you around if your in Gryffindor" She put her cigarette out and said in her sexy, croaky voice:

"I'm the new girl, Iver" And the award for the slowest thickhead goes to... Rose Weasely. "I'd like to thank my parents for dropping me as a child…"

So we hit it off instantaneously, not like the stayed-up-all-night-telling-secrets-and-plaiting-each-other's-hair-and-synconising-our-periods kind of bullshit friendship but the kind where we have a mutual understanding.

She gets that I blow off steam by crushing young sprits and I get that she isn't the biggest talker, she prefers to observe and is a sucker for breaking the rules that I just turn the blind eye to because I'm a loyal fucker.

As soon as word spread everyone wanted to be friend with the mysterious-French-chick-with-a-nose-piercing. She had heaps of boys wanting to bang her and apart from the one-night stands that she has fiercely denied the next day she hasn't acknowledged any of them.

Rumour around town is that she is a lesbian but I think that after 15 years of romantic, alluring and beautiful French men to suddenly be acquainted by the likes of James Potter I would too turn celibate.

What do I say about Pregnant Peggie? One of the first things I said to her was

"Oh I didn't know that they allowed Hagrid to breed." Surprisingly she didn't run off crying instead her face light up and she shrieked excitedly

"My baby is kicking! Want to feel?" Ignoring my look of absolute horror and repulsion she grabbed my hand and placed it on her abnormally huge stomach. I suppose for a split second I actually believed that she was pregnant. Then I remembered that she was 11.

"All I can feel are your rolls sucking my hands in" I spat while snatching my hands out her grasp.

"Oh the baby is a little shy with strangers, I'm Peggan Potstrout" She extended a small podgy hand with sausage fingers.

I forged fake happiness then said with the most bored voice "I'm leaving" and left. While I was walking away I heard a faint

"Well it was nice meeting you, I'll see you soon, fellow roommate."

Damn this girl was made of like flowers and rainbows. In the five years that I have known her I don't think that I have ever seen her down. Why are fat people always so fucking jolly? And the whole business with being 'pregnant' just creeps me out. I guess it's for attention or maybe she can't come to terms with the fact that she is just simply fat. After many years of this bullshit, we kinda just play along and make fuck loads of jokes.

Anyway she is like a weed, I can never get rid of her but I have made my peace with it.

At least she works a charm for my self-esteem. Even though she is 16 now she still looks exactly the same as the first time I met her. And of course she is still 'pregnant'.

She has short mousey brown hair that grazes her shoulders and as previously insinuated she is on the chub side. Although the height has evened out some of her fat she still has a very prominent stomach, flabby arms and legs. She has a very average looking face: brown eyes, thin lips, small nose and chubby cheeks.

Being sickly sweet has given her a fair few friends dotted from every house (except Slytherin, blood purity or not apparently they still have standards to maintain) however she has never had a boyfriend (bar the infamous pimp that got her 'pregnant' at 11.)

Lolita Longbottom, daughter of Neville Longbottom and Parviti Patel two of my parent's closest friends from Hogwarts and add the fact that Parviti died a few years ago equalling my parents (and to some extent Nevs) forcing me to befriend her.

My parents pressured me because they didn't realise that she was already more popular than me (something to do with the fact that she is nice – yeah I don't get it either) and Nevs because he has always has a soft spot of me - seeing as he, along side Haza P are my joint Godfathers – and he felt that I would be good for his precious daughter (I swear Nagini did some permanent damage to his brain.) Anyway its not like I didn't try, in fact I just conversed with her:

"Your mum's so fat, she tried to eat Cornilius Fudge-" Shame on you if you actually believed that I said that. Though I must confess the amount of self-restraint it took for me not to blab my extensive knowledge of 'your mum' jokes. Instead it went something like:

"Hey Lols"

"Will you ever stop abbreviate my name to something that means 'Laugh out loud' in muggle talk?"

"Probably not."

"Why are you even talking to me?"

I shrugged and tried my best to look guiltless. Apparently I failed.

"My father put you up to this didn't he?" Suddenly I found everything in our dorm room oh so interesting. "God, he did. I swear he'd rather just have you as his daughter"

She must be taking the piss. She is the poster girl of not only Gryffindor but Hogwarts too. She is perfect in every single way and I am far from it so why would Nevs in his right mind want me as a daughter instead.

Which is exactly what I told her. "Don't give me that, you're the only one he listens to." Okay so maybe now is not a good time to tell her-

"Tell me." Shit did I just say that out loud? "You have guilt etched upon your face-"

Who the fuck says 'upon'? Next she'll be saying 'thus'

"-Thus I have come to the conclusion that you have done something." Talking to her is like being in a Shakespeare play.

"I got Nevs to agree to date." I saw her jaw drop. Last year Lolita made it her mission to get him to date seeing as he was so miserable all alone so she decided not to date until he does. Big mistake. A year later and she had not even made a scratch.

"Nay!" She whispered

"Aye!" Was truly my response, damn Shakespearean language is bloody catchy.

"How the hell did you manage that?"

"It was easy. I just pretended that he was coming onto me and made him promise to date someone more appropriate."

"Wow. So being psychotic does work, I'll keep that in mind." I don't think that she could be crazy even if someone drugged her.

Lolita is the biggest goody-two-shoes I know. She had never had a detention, handed her homework in late, jinxed anyone or said a 'bad' word.

Pretty as fuck too. Having an Indian mother has given her a very exotic look. She has a year-round tan and long dark thick hair. She has also inherited Nevs height and his light brown eyes.

Being Dom's best friend means that she is always well groomed with up to date fashion. If I had a galleon for every time a guy tried to persuade Nevs to get a girlfriend so that Lolita would be able to date I would be a rich bastard.

"Hey babes, what's up?" Nothing other than Dom plonks (more like gracefully sits down) herself next to Lols.

Dominique Weasley, my first cousin and the biggest pain in the arse. I tried to get along with her.

I let her give me a make over once. After 10 minutes I had given her horns, a fair few warts, silenced her and turned her into a slug.

She can talk for England but most of what she says is pure teenage bullshit. She is one of those people who can't function without a boyfriend. She always needs someone to shower her with affection and gifts. Which I believe is pathetic. Looking like her makes getting a boyfriend pretty damn easy so she is always draped over some poor guy's arm,

She single handily pushed the feminist movement back a few decades - it makes me sick. Ah fuck, bloody counselling awaits me. Maybe if I play dead they will all just leave me alone.

_After Dinner_

Turns out that they will never leave me alone and to prove it they sent in the big guns.

Miserable Molly.

I was in the shower and her having no decency and regards for privacy she came inside the bathroom.

Just casually walked in while I was naked and vulnerable.

I literally screamed for a good two minutes. Hearing this ruckus Iver, Peggie, Dom, Lols came rushing into the bathroom.

So there I was standing naked in front of 5 people while shampoo was fucking burning my eyes.

That shit is like acid.

I vain I tried to cover my self with my arms. It started with Iver, she just started pissing her self and soon the rest followed (helped my self esteem a bunch) apart from Molly, who was all business and me, who was feeling completely violated.

After making me look like such a fool I knew that there was no way I was going to go to counselling because Manky Molly told me to. No way on all things magical. She would have to Imperius me to get me to step in that room-

-So I had my second counselling session today and I believe that we made much more progress:

"Hello Rose, take a seat." Mrs Tallkin motioned to the seat opposite her desk. But this was no ordinary seat. Oh no, this was one of those muggle spiny chairs with levers to go up and down and get this: it has wheels!

Muggle creation at its best.

"So Rose, how is your day going?"

"Well I tried to explode a first year's head by staring at it and when that didn't work I tripped her over." She rolled her eyes.

"Was that really necessary?"

"What? She was standing in the corner doing nothing. It was beyond creepy. Being a prefect I had to sort it out."

"Now Rose-"

How do I shut this bitch up?

"I have to tell you something." I looked at her intently.

"You can tell me anything."

"You're going to laugh at me" She leaned towards me and put her hand on my shoulder that I am sure was meant to be comforting but just made me feel nauseas.

"I would never laugh at you"

I took a deep breath "Well last night I had a dream." I started shyly with an encouraging nod from her I continued, "I was walking down a really long hallway and it got really hot, I couldn't breathe and my skin felt as though it was on fire. On the verge of fainting I looked up to see the source of the heat. And when I looked up I saw the devil, with the horns and blood dripping from his teeth. I heard a bloodcurdlingly scream so in terror I started to sprint but I didn't know where I was going. Out of the blue something hard hit my head and it was Malfoy's corpse and I got really angry but before I could do anything-"

Reaching the climax of my story my words came out quick and my breathing deepened. I had an expression of anxiety plastered on my face and I carried on the story

"Dumbledore popped up and started singing 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'. He was wearing nothing but boxers that said 'Merlin Can Kiss My Arse'. Suddenly all my professor come in view and start doing the harmonies and Malfoy's corpse got up and did a ballet duet with the devil. I wonder what it all could mean?" I smirked. Analyse that, dickhead.

She gave me an exasperated sigh "If you're not going to be serious-"

"No, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous and when I'm nervous I talk shit."

"Okay then, lets try again, how are you feeling today?"

"Really depressed, like it was impossible to get up from bed. I feel as though my life is a downwards spiral and who knows what I might do to myself to escape this dark place I'm in. Maybe you should give me something to help ease the pain?"

"I'm not going to prescribe you drugs." Damn.

"Then I'm not going to speak."

"These sessions are to help you Rose, if you don't want to use this time productively then I'm fine with it". She spent the rest of the time doing paperwork while I pretended that my chair was a spaceship. Such fun.

After an hour I left her room and made my way to the great hall. I could have eaten a giant. Where is Grawp when you need him? I entered the great hall and headed straight to my usual seat on the Gryffindor table next to Albus, Iver, James, Peggie and Freddie.

"Hey Rose, how was counselling?" Albus politely inquired. By now everyone knew that I went to therapy because bloody Dom couldn't keep her mouth shut, among other limbs that it. Yes I am insinuating that she is a cheep whore. But its okay, I spread a rumour that she has herpes as a retaliation.

"Can't talk. Too hungry. Must eat." I just grabbed a handful of chicken and started gnawing my way through the heap of food on my plate.

"Shame, she's still a crazy bitch." All the blood in my body turned to ice and I turned to face the arse the voice belonged to.

Scorpius Gaylord Malfoy. Why did he have to come back and ruin the tranquillity that I have been enjoying?

I heard distant cheering as his arrival but I paid no attention, I was too busy trying to make his head explode with my mind.

He was hugging/fist bumping various people spreading god knows what diseases. Even Iver gave him a half-arsed smile. That's like her confessing her undying love for you.

Fuck this 'welcome back' party. I mean I know that he has been in St Mungo's for weeks and it was utterly my fault but still chill the fuck out. I went back to focusing all my energy on my food.

Just as I was about to take a bite Malfoy squeezed in a non-existent space between Albus and I. Arse.

I turned to him and gave him my most sarcastic smile. "I thought I killed you already?"

"Ha, not quite, it's going to take more than psychotic antics to bring me down."

"How about I give you a treat if you at least play dead?"

"Well, there is only one thing I want from you." He moved his head closer to mine till I could taste his breath. I hardly noticed that everyone around us had gone silent and were watching us with intent.

I swallowed hard. "And what might that be?"

He graced me with his infamous smirk and moved his head closer still, till his lips were grazing mine. I wanted to move but I couldn't even feel the rest of my body. All I could feel were his lips tauntingly touching mine.

"The last piece of chicken" he said while snatching it off my plate and taking a bite.

All my so-called 'friends' started laughing. Instead of blowing up like the pre-counselling-Rose would have done I simply got up, got a spoon full of mashed potatoes, dumped it in his hair and walked away.

And now I'm back in my room, where I seem to be spending a hell of a lot of time recently pondering why it is that I let Malfoy get to me so easily. Maybe it's the fact that at one point in my life I unconditionally, with all my heart loved him or maybe because he is a git. Huh must be the git thing.

**A/N: The song for this chapter is Guilt by Nero because it is a sick tune and everyone should be exposed to the brilliance that is Nero. **

**Again sorry for taking my sweet time. A-levels are a bitch therefore**

**reviews+reads=motivation to write. A* in a-level maths here I come. **


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